arishca heart ateh

Being in this room has made me realize that this is going to be easy ... if we take it day by day then before we know it nothing can stop us from doing what we want to do. i am not losing faith in myself or you . its just going to be that way. yesterday was horrible but bittersweet. knowing what we would do for happiness makes me happier than i have ever been ... this time around may not have been the best of all best but i have memories that will last me a lifetime and so many countless hours of stolen moments to put a smile on my face. i have no regrets ... this month has taught me so much about myself and what i want and i am thankful for the oppertunity that was given to me.i am thankful for each breakfast shared...every dinner cooked...every restless night. trips late at night the shopping you never had to do, the smiles i got to see.people have done this before and if you want it in your heart then thats the power we need. if you ever need me shut your eyes and think of me. think of the sound of my voice the touch of my hand the smell of my skin and i promise when it feels like you cant take it anymore and the wish and praying hasnt brought me to you ... i will be there right next to you. we have dealt with devistating things in our lives things that we have no control over but we control our hearts ...and mine is waiting ...for you .

please update your journal as much as possible and i will try and do the same. i am sorry it all worked out this way and that we are going to have to deal with such a hard bump in the road but i promise if you never stop i wont either.
thank you for everything. you really mean the world to me

im flying to england today...
i am nervous and i am anxious
hope you all are doing well

why is it that when you drink you realize how sex deprived you are ! i really wish that luke was home right now!
i just got back from guam and i will post some picks but jeeze whats a girl to do





i need my husbands assistance now!


good night

The first lucky five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

- What I create will be just for you.
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
- You will receive your item before the end of the year (or sooner).
- You will have no clue what the item is going to be. It could be any number of things. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange and/or embarrassing (for me or you).

The catch? Oh, the catch is that in order to receive a gift, you have to re-post this and make and send out five surprises of your own, so if you aren't gonna follow through and make something for five others, you get nothing from me.

First 5 to see and post go. Even if you haven't seen me in 10 years. Or live a million miles away. That's what mail's for.

Comment with your e-mail address in "safer" format (i.e. screen _ name 4 5 2 3 at gmail dot com) so I can collect your real address!

i love cat power... ok last post:

i posted: i fucking hate life...or something like that. i didnt go into detail because it was really late and i was lazy and didnt really feel like typing... i did write a blog on my  "space" ... posted below for your reading pleasure:

12:34 PM - an update on my fucking amazing life
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

so i quit smoking and i am doing really great with it sunday will be 3 weeks strong and a gift for my quitting my husband has started back up with it... he thinks that it will make me love him more because smoking makes him more of a man!
 i have a lovely bladder infection and it feels great. i am emotionally totally numb and i really thought about cutting tonight ... i thought that it might make me the weak person my husband ask for me to be ... he says i am cold and heartless so doing it would put me in a place of total insanity and really what would it matter. this life has nothing to offer. the bridges have burned and the life is a dead end anyways ...
fuck it who cares.




now please take in mind i am not cutting and even though i thought about it i wouldnt but for those of you who dont know much about self mutalation it is an addiction so there are alway thoughts but it is if you act on them that matter...



ok well last night my husband decided that he is going to quit smoking all together ie: hooka,cigars, and ciggerettes! so that makes me really happy and i officially love him 100% once again...even though it was a cock face thing to start smoking like that i forgive him and i hope he does as well as i am...


and since i am updating i just wanted to put it out there i really want to go "home" this week the feeling of need is strong ... i miss a lot of people tha are so far away and i wish i could hug them... i miss you guys <3

i fucking hate life.

so an update on my life...
today tonight this morning luke leaves for our first tdy as a couple and he will be gone for a few weeks .... may not sound like a long time but it is the first time we will be apart for more than 24 hours. i dont know if the reality of it all has set in but i hope i can be strong and not cry about it....
i am also having a difficult time with the friends here for the plain fact that everyone is getting  divorce and acting really dumb about it. i dunno i am not ready to make more friends it is difficult enough to lose them all the time with pcs'ing and deployments.


sigh*





A Strong Woman  -VS- A Woman of
> Strength
>
>  A strong woman works out everyday to
>  keep her body in shape…
> But
> a woman of strength builds
>  relationships to keep her soul
> in shape
>  A strong woman isn't afraid of anything…
> But a woman of
> strength shows
> courage in the midst of
> fear.
>  A strong woman won't let anyone get the better of her…
> But a
> woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone.
> A strong woman
> makes mistakes and
>  avoids the same in the
> future…
> A woman of strength realises life's mistakes
>  can also be unexpected
> blessings, and capitalises on them
>  A strong woman wears a look of
> confidence on her face…
> But a woman of strength wears grace.
>  A strong
> woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey…
> But a woman of
> strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become
> strong.

TODAY IS MY HUSBANDS 25TH BIRTHDAY

2 YEARS AGO TODAY WAS THE FIRST TIME I SLEPT WITH MY HUSBAND

MY 2 YEAR ANIVERSARY IS COMING UP SOON TOO.

so its been a while that i really sat down and wrote a real post. so here it goes.
i have been fighting a lot with myself. i feel sad and tired and alone but i feel like i am always sourounded by to many people . i dont want to talk but i have so much to say .. yet again i dont want to talk to anyone about whats on my mind. but i guess i am giving in by writing in my journal huh?
tuesday i have my therapy appointment so that should help but i am smarter than this woman so when i talk a circle around here she seems to not know what to say and its frustrating this is my third therapist that i have had on this island. i hate that i get to a point of trust and then they leave. my therapist has diagnosed me with manic/depressive disorder, bipolar, paranoia disorder. with adhd. we are trying to stay away from as much medication as we can i guess but i am still on anti-phycotics and stimulants to get through the day. i dont want to be out of it and i wish i didnt need to be doped up to sleep.
luke and i have had a baby talk not lets have a baby but the possibility of having a baby ... two years married and we are a very strong couple so when we talk about it it is a reasonable talk and a logical one. we both would like a child but the timing we want to get it some what right. a planned baby. my mind and body is dependent on medications and we know that it isnt possible to bring in a healthy baby under the conditions of my body.
i am going to try again to quit smoking AGAIN and this time i really want it bad. i have never been one to have an addiction ....unless you count the 4 years of cutting an addiction but i hate feeling like smoking controls me.

i am bored with life and my "manic" episodes are the ones that are playing the role in my distructive lifestyle choices. being bored i cant help but put myself in a tight spot. i dunno.

well i am done for now the husband demands attention.

i wasnt drinking but it was really funny to watch everyone... jet lag didnt hit me so that was nice ....
sorry for those who i didnt see in patterson i had limited transportation and my family was being wierd.
but time does fly and it seems like when you meet up again it is af time had stood still...

<3

i found some old pics and i think atleast one of you may get a kick out of this.....

well i don't know if any of you know but my dad keeps getting denied for social security and he really needs it.



about 7 years ago or so he was in a pile up on 5 going to work and in the accident his vertebrates were damaged and now they are cutting off spinal fluid to his brain which in turn can cause death. he needs back surgery. the doctors have told him that before he can have back surgery he must loose 100 pounds and if any of you have parents or loved ones with diabetes you know that 100 pounds is near impossible with out tons of help.the social security he needs is for gastro-bypass surgery...

my dad who is normally a happy man doesn't even get out anymore because of the pain and depression of feeling helpless. he had to leave his job because a 30 minute car ride was too painful for him.



well anyways my dad is pretty down and i am really far away so i was wondering if you would help a friend in need and send him a card with good wishes something to cheer him up!
he needs all the support he can get right now!

James (jim) Finkes
29 skipper ct.


oroville, ca 95966


and please if you are family don't tell him about this bulletin.



just send a card ... they say that positive attitudes can help the ill.


send a prayer a wish or just a hi.




thanks guys this means a lot
katie

tired.
alone.
sad.
mad.
angry.
lost.
hurt.


i may have left some feelings out.

so i cut all of my hair off i like it ...

funky and fun.


the closer to aug i get the more i cant wait.



mental heath appointment monday.


work in 10 min.

i am drained.

i cant catch up.





one side looks like a short bob and the other is more mohawk  


peace<3

You are trying desperately to prove yourself.(i work every week  as hard as i can to be the best at what i do. )


You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self determined you are.

You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.
(he is my dreamer and the one who shares the large range of out there wants)

You are a dreamer and you seek perfection in any relationship that you may establish. Some of your ideas and standards are over the top so it may be a good idea to review your perception of life and accept people for what they are - not for what you would like them to be.(i did this cuz i wanted him to have more)

You are experiencing excess frustration and agitation which is the result of trying to resist any form of stimulation or excitement. This may lead to nervous exhaustion, angry outbursts or lowering of the libido. This on-going situation could become threatening and dangerous. You are furious at the thought that you may be unable to achieve your goals and even more distressed at your feeling of helplessness to remedy this. You are at the point of a nervous mental and physical breakdown
but it's not too late to do something about it - take a rest, forget about everything and try to take heed of that ancient adage 'He who fights and runs away - lives to fight another day'.

You are completely worn out - physically and mentally - and it has got to the stage where 'you don't want to participate anymore'. You are in fact experiencing what is known as 'burnout' and your reaction is such that you feel that everyone is against you yet you still seem to refuse to listen to reason. You are hostile, bitter and indignant.     (no fake angry girl)
You insist that you want and are entitled to your own way - well maybe you are, but your attitude is not conducive to making friends. Take it easy. Let go and get back into the World.




sammy did it so i was curious and sure enough i feel this way to a T!
i am burnt out and i need to breath.
i really am stressin still about going home i am frustrated and overwhelmed.
man i miss normality.

last night luke and i had a blow out and i ended up leaving the house. he has a bad temper and i am not afraid of him but i cant stand it when he throws a fit like a 5 year old. he was throw shit and i just couldnt deal with it. i went to the bx and bought a black silk shirt and a brown monkey shirt and blue black hair dye. i was in a dark mood i guess thats why i bought the dark hair dye.

it looks cool though, brings out the blue eyes ....


i am frustrated about going home. the inlaws dont agree with the life style that i live and make a big deal about it. sigh.

i heard a lot of people from patterson fell off the deep end... all the ones that where not so nice in high school. funny how karma works.

i dont want to go back because i like working and a month is a long time with out tattooing...

i dont want to leave my babies.

i feel like i am losing it.

:(

i am in a rut i wanna change.... i know my hair is super short now but i want new....